|locked design diaryland|
"Truth like a blazing fire, an eternal flame"
Sometimes reading through your diary archives is a bad idea. There are times that I just don’t want to have that moment of epiphany and understand myself better. I think that this was one of those times.
I couldn’t sleep tonight. I was exhausted, but then stayed up way too late on messenger with Lisa and got my second wind. I think that I officially hit over-tired-with-a-side-of-silly when we were listening to clips from Team America and I had tears rolling down my face because I was laughing so hard (this movie is now on my “must see” list). Lisa wisely logged off and went to sleep. I didn’t (note to self: you may go to sleep earlier if you remove the laptop from the bedroom). I did a few random internet searches and found some fun stuff. Then, for reasons I can’t figure out, I started reading my old diary posts.
So, I’m sitting here listening to…shocker of all shockers…the Rent soundtrack and I stumbled upon the entry I wrote about Julie . And I read what I wrote 7 months ago. And I thought about what I wrote today about Roger being my favorite character from Rent. BAM! It hit me like a fucking bolt of lightening. I started to cry. Real gut-wrenching sobs with tears streaming down my cheeks.
Here are my own words about Julie’s death:
Sound like Roger?
How come I never noticed that before?!?!?
I always thought Roger appealed to me because a) I’ve always had a thing for the “pretty boy front man” moody musician type and b) he was the opposite of me…the yin to my yang.
Not. So. Much.
At least it explains why Another Day has been the song I keep repeating over and over on the new CD.
And, I think that now a whole new layer of the story has just slapped me in the face.
Do what to me?!? - April 24, 2007
Wicked funny websearch - April 05, 2007
Trot out the dogs 'n ponies - March 31, 2007
Almost done... - March 20, 2007
Who am I? - March 12, 2007