|locked design diaryland|
The first locked entry...
OK, so why did I lock up? And why did I pick you folks as the people Iíd let read for now? I supposed I owe you that explanation.
Letís start with the background:
Why did I start a diary?
I started writing here because writing is cathartic for me. I went through a year at work that was like nothing Iíve ever experienced before. Really. I mean, many of us have had bad bosses. I realize that. But this was beyond that. She was really a piece of work. So. Completely. Over. The. Top. Sylvandale became a really negative place to be. And this is where I was spending 8+ hours each day. You canít go through that and not have it affect the rest of your life. I tried. I wanted to leave the shit at work. Except, it seeps into your general attitude. Add to that the fact that my two remaining grandparents, at separate times, were each hospitalized with illnesses that could have killed them and that my father had some precancerous cells removed from his colon. Not to mention watching a dear friend die of cancer. Oh, and letís throw into the mix being strong for your best friend as she has a couple of aunts pass away and moves her mom to a nursing home. Last year (and I mean school year...thatís how teachers measure the world folks!) was awful. Pure, unadulterated emotional hell. I needed a place to release, without taking it out on my family and friends. I got really negative and withdrawn. And (although I still have a hard time accepting that I am 100% to blame because anti-Semitism played a huge role as well) it hurt some friendships. So, I made my little niche in Cyberland where I can come to talk about me. Yes, ME. Scrappergirl is all about Ronit. Itís my selfish little spot. All day at work I have to give, give, giveÖitís all about the students and the school community. I am not complaining about that, but itís a fact. Then I come home and Iím mommy. I really needed somewhere to be selfish and talk about my feelings. I was getting tired of spending all of my IM time with Lisa complaining. I needed somewhere to express my feelings so that I could go on with living and seeing the positive stuff in life again.
What do you need to know about me to understand my writing?
I know that I can be cynical and sarcastic at times. And I am fully aware that getting that to come across over the internet is tough. Those of you who read this and know me in ďreal lifeĒ probably have no trouble getting when Iím joking. I kind-of figure there are two ways to go through life: I can get depressed over every little thing that goes wrong, or I can be silly, laugh about it and move on. I try to laugh about it. The only time I have trouble doing that is when itís personal. I am a fiercely loyal friend. I get indignant when accused of doing something I didnít do, especially when itís something that would hurt another friend. And, I am super-sensitive. When a friend overlooks me, or steps on me, I take it hard (OK, those of you who have known me since high school are probably laughing at this and thinking ďsome things never changeĒ and itís true).
What do you need to remember when you read a blog?
For those of you who are bloggers yourself, you understand this. What you see here is just a small piece of my life. And, itís put through whatever filter I chose to put on it before I wrote. So, if I needed to dump some negativity that day, the tone of the entry might be really negative. If Iím stressed and scared, the entry might be about my feelings. Trust me, I do have a life outside of what you see here. And there are times where entire parts of the story get left out of the diary. For example, the family and close friends who me called while Ryan was in the hospital got all of the details and heard all about how he was doing. Those who didnít want to intrude and thus ended up on the email chain got that as well. But, those who only read about it in my diary got my raw emotions from sometime around 4am the night he was admitted, and that was it. Totally different information.
Why do you have the dubious distinction of being ďallowedĒ into my brain right now?
You are the people who have been reading and seemed to understand why I write and what a diary is all about. You have not condemned me for being selfish here. Instead, you have been able to keep in mind that you are only seeing a sliver of my life.
Why did I need to lock for now?
Choosing to lock up was hard for me. I always wanted my diary to be a place where folks could drop in and read. I know that after the MTO banishment, there were members that wanted to keep tabs on the boys and were afraid to email. I wanted them, and any of my friends, to be able to read whatís going on. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I try, but too much time passes between phone calls and emails sometimes. But then, I got some emails that just totally slammed me. Sarah, I know that you will understand when I say that my own words and feelings were used against me by certain MTO people. I decided that I didnít need that shit in my life, and if those nasty people wanted to read about me, then theyíre just going to have to ask for the password. They canít hide and be anonymous anymore. I donít need their poison.
And, yeah, Iím actually going to share what they had to say here. But, later. Right now my friend, Gina (courtesy of Lisaís leftover grocery money), is taking me out to breakfast! MmmmmÖ.I can already taste the Hobeeís hash browns. Or will it be Original Pancake House? No matter, breakfast food is my favorite and Gina knows exactly which button to push to cheer me up!past | future
Do what to me?!? - April 24, 2007
Wicked funny websearch - April 05, 2007
Trot out the dogs 'n ponies - March 31, 2007
Almost done... - March 20, 2007
Who am I? - March 12, 2007