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To the Winterbaby moms: Lurker (n.) One of the `silent majority' in a electronic forum; one who posts occasionally or not at all but is known to read the group's postings regularly. So, I guess that�s me. Ms. Lurker. It�s the accusation that I was lying in wait to say something nasty that gets to me. That evokes an image of me, with wild Einstein hair, dissolving into maniacal laughter when I can come out and be nasty, then disappear again. Even better, ever see the movie Real Genius? I picture Oslo, the guy who lived in the closet. I�m being flip and silly, but that�s how I react to stuff�with laughter. It�s either that or cry, and enough tears have been wasted on this. So, to those who accuse me of lurking and only responding when I had a negative opinion, I challenge you to search the archives and try to find messages where I did something besides that. I think that you can find at least 5 messages that are something besides negative replies to posts. Think you can�t? Try it. You�ll have to go back to before April, but they are there. And, if you can criticize me for lurking, what do you make of the fact that so many times my attempts to actively participate were thwarted. So, challenge number two: go back to my posts, see how many replies there were, and see how many of you bothered to say anything to me most of the time. I�m fairly certain I could tell you who replied to me on a regular basis, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can tell you who rarely did, although they replied to others regularly. How about those questions of the day? How often are they holiday related? It�s difficult to join into the fun of those when I really have nothing to add since they apply to everyone else but me. But, see, I did join in, as often as I could. I told all of you that I am taking a very demanding college class right now, and have little time for email. Yet, I still took the time to respond to a poll about doing QOTD, and then post an explanation on the board. I didn�t want to just post �no� in a poll. I wasn�t saying, �No,� but rather �In May, after school gets out.� So, I at least responded. Not everyone did. I also offered to run games of Family Feud, and went out of my way to email some of those very silent group members to get them to participate. If you can find something negative in that, I�d love to hear it! What else have I done to be an active participant? Well, the �Your Local News� idea came straight from me posting a question to the group. And, I was the one who suggested that since people were tight on money after Christmas, perhaps postponing the charm swap until Mother�s Day. I went out to buy Christmas cards just so that I could participate in the card swap. I don�t celebrate Christmas and I wasn�t buying cards for any other reason than in order to be an active part of the group because it was important to me to do so. I also offered to burn some CD�s. This came about because of a conversation that was running and I read it, realized that I was about to be burning CD�s anyway for the playgroup, so I offered here, too. I didn�t have to do this. It did it out of kindness and a desire to belong, share, and be an active member. So, we�ve covered lurking, now let�s get on to belittling. I�ve been accused of belittling anyone who asked a question about my religion. A question about *my* religion would be in the form of �Why do you ��?� A question about *your* religion would be in the form of �Why don�t you [insert your favorite custom from your religion]?� The thing is, put that way, it really is an impossible question to answer. For one second, try to see it from my perspective. It would be as if I went around asking people who aren�t Jewish why they don�t light Hanukkah candles or fast for the day on Yom Kippur. How would you answer that? But see, it wouldn�t occur to me to ask you to do those things because it�s not your religion. Of course you don�t want to be put down for what you say or how you feel. But, I was constantly being put in that position. My words were being scrutinized, hidden meanings pulled out from between the lines. Did I do anything that contributed to this? Hell, yes. Sometimes I get angry and make bad judgment calls, just as all of you do. But, those times are few and far between in posts. I tend to go the opposite route and overanalyze my words (hence, this taking over a month to write). I usually only snap when I feel backed into a corner. And, I was constantly being pushed into that corner for the last few months. I had a really hard time sending any emails for months because I was aware that there were a few who were going to criticize my words, and in trying to be as unoffensive as possible with my answers, I ended up so dry that they came off as rude and totally offensive. It�s really tough to talk if you feel that you have to guard every word, at least for me. And, my personal favorite, is being referred to as a �know it all.� All I can say to that is, �Well, duh!� We are all know-it-all�s when it comes to giving advice on stuff we know about. One of the major things that happens in a mom�s group is posting questions for advice about all kinds of topics. And, if I know something about the topic, whether it be from experience with my kids, an article I read, a lecture I attended, or my job in education, I�ll share it. You do that too. If no one offered advice, and no one knew anything, those kinds of questions wouldn�t be asked. We�re all experts in our own way. You don�t have to insult me for sharing, especially when you also criticize me for not sharing. As for the ammunition behind the decision to drop me like a hot potato�well, apparently people had been complaining about me for a year, and the first I heard of it was when I was unsubbed. That is a pity, because no matter what some people think, I am a caring and loyal person, have a lot to offer, and deserved the respect of being spoken to if I hurt somone�s feelings. I would have liked to know that. I did not intentionally hurt anyone, and, given the chance, I�d have apologized. If you question that, go back to this entry . I can admit when I make a mistake, and I will go out of my way to set that right. At any rate, it had been a year that some of you were complaining about me, being hurt by me, and voicing genuine concerns. I have to question just how genuine they were, though. A genuine concern, in my opinion, would be one that you wanted resolved. By going behind my back and never saying one word to me, nothing was resolved. People have said that there was no talking behind backs, but how can you keep a straight face when by your own admission, this has been going on without my knowledge for so long? And, dumping me didn�t solve all of your problems, either. The ramifications went on long after I was gone. Just so you know, I�d have appreciated the contact from any of you with or without talking about the whole fiasco. I was hurt, bewildered, confused, and, at first, feeling very guilty. I was dropped, betrayed, and then left to myself to stew in it. After over 3 years, I deserved the chance to ask questions and answer accusations. I needed that contact from people who didn�t necessarily agree with the decision and/or with the way it was done. A simple, �I�m sorry to lose you� in those first couple of days would have meant quite a bit. Knowing I wasn't cast off without a backwards glance would have eased the sting. I have been in touch with people from the group without discussing it at all. So, want to know who I am, and where I am coming from? My grandmother almost died a few months ago, I had to watch a close friend succumb to cancer, and work since October has been unbearable (to give a taste of how bad, the union is calling my school a hostile work environment and wants to take legal action�and this is where I spend 8+ hours 5 days a week). Oh, and I�m being treated for panic attacks and anxiety from all of this. I�m not saying this to excuse me from not posting and being a good friend, but in hopes that you can understand why I couldn�t. Sometimes we all need a little leeway, support, compassion, and understanding rather than criticism and scrutiny. My only regret is that I wish people had contacted me before going behind my back and dumping me. I would have liked to be given the opportunity to apologize and redirect my words. I�d have liked to receive the same friendship that the group claims to have for each other (you know��Friends you can ALWAYS count on�). 0 comments Listening to: Reading: Eating/drinking: Do what to me?!? - April 24, 2007 Wicked funny websearch - April 05, 2007 Trot out the dogs 'n ponies - March 31, 2007 Almost done... - March 20, 2007 Who am I? - March 12, 2007 READ ME |